DEATH OF FAMILY MEMBERS
I was eight when my uncle on my father’s side, Collie, was killed in a motorcycle accident. At ten my paternal grandfather died suddenly of a heart attack. And when I was 15 my cousin, the only daughter of my maternal aunt and uncle died of melanoma after a brief period of illness. Of all those early family deaths, Cathy’s was the most tragic. She had just graduated from college and was a newlywed. I barely knew my uncle. I had a loving, but distant relationship with my grandfather. I experienced some but not overwhelming sadness at each death; death didn’t seem personal at the time of those early losses. The loss of a parent changed that.
DEATH OF A PARENT
Where experience is lacking, I find it is sometimes possible to gain insight by imagining a situation and then thinking about how I would think and or feel in that instance. There is no act of imagination to prepare one for the death of a parent. Even friends who have cared for a parent through a long illness report that once the parent dies, unexpected feelings emerge. The experience reaches into the roots of your being and touches places impossible to understand.
CHRISTIAN IDEA of DEATH & AFTERLIFE
Christianity, the faith I was raised in, doesn’t teach much about the actual process of dying in the way Buddhism will, but it does offer believers clear guidance on how to have a happy afterlife. Death is the result of the sinful nature of people. To get into heaven, you must accept Jesus Christ as a personal savior according to John 3:16. Hell is described in fascinating detail – used by some preachers as a way to inspire fear and motivate believers I like the way heaven is described as a place of perfect love and peace and streets of gold – helpful for a religion that views life as preparation for the afterlife.
Two questions fired through Mitzvahboy’s brain as Kristie, our Discovery Cove dolphin trainer welcomed us into the water to introduce us to a ten year old dolphin named CJ. We stood in thigh high water along with another family of five adults contentedly petting the friendly 600 pound creature as he swam from one end of our line to the other. Kristie narrated with details about the dolphins at Discovery Cove, how they are trained, how they flirt, the meaning of their whistles and clicks, about the scratches on the upper surface of CJ’s skin and so on before Mitzvahboy shouted out, “is it a boy or a girl?”
The teenagers chuckled and I flinched, hoping Christie wouldn’t mind the interruption. She engaged the question after gracefully finishing her sentence and then gave CJ a hand signal. The dolphin responded by rolling over, floating in front of us as Christie pointed out the long thin line on the lower part of CJ’s white belly. She explains that boy dolphins have one line on lower belly beneath the tail while girls have three. Clearly not the dramatic visual Mitzvahboy was hoping for. As we all gazed quietly and appreciatively at the dolphin floating upside down for our benefit, Mitzvahboy shouts out, “is the dolphin going to the bathroom?? There is a hole mid-way on the dolphin’s tummy that looks sorta’ like a belly button. We could see a thin brown liquid seaping out from the hole. Pulled from my reverie, I uncomfortably wondered how Christie would handle this question.
There was a long pause, as Christie hesitated before admitting that yes, it was true, it was dolphin poop. She quickly moved on although Mitzvahboy tried to press the moment by shouting that we should all leave the water. It was a silly boy-kid moment. But it is the story he tells everyone. Christie switched gears by handing Mitzvahboy a fish treat to give to CJ. We then learned how to give CJ hand signals instructing him to wave his flippers at us and to do a flip. The most exciting moment for me came when we each had the chance to be pulled a few yards by CJ, placing one hand on his dorsal fin and one hand on a flipper. It was a wonderful experience, playing with a large animal that was as expressive and responsive to our caresses as our beloved Fluffy. I hope we can do it again.
Wow! The summer months have slipped away without any blogging on my part. And I definately miss it. New work projects with tight deadlines are coming into focus and Mitzvahboy soon will become a second grader. This afternoon we’ve just returned from Orlando where we visited Sea World and Discovery Cove. More on our exciting swim with CJ and Capricorn in the next post.
We amused ourselves on the drive back by thinking of all the places we would prefer not to visit. In no particular order they are: Belgium, Turkey, Jordan, Haiti, Mexico, Congo, Sudan, Russia, Iran, Austria, the North Pole, underwater caves, Uganda, Uranus, Rwanda, Poland, Lebanon, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Alabama, Kansas, Nebraska, Dominican Republic, North Korea. We also have no plans to bungee jump or to hike the entire Appalachian Trail.
I’ve been pondering this question for myself more than 20 years. So has George Vaillant, research director of the Grant study. I ran across this video this week in an article published in the Atlantic titled “What Makes Us Happy?” Interesting to hear/see Vaillant after reading his books like “Wisdom of the Ego” based on the study.
The news isn’t all bad these days for some Tampa cultural arts organizations. Thanks to funds left over from the now defunct Renaissance Center for the Arts (RCFTA), those laboring to bring cultural arts to Tampa residents have additional money to further their efforts.
Phoenix grants were awarded organizations that fit with the original mission of RCFTA: to enhance cultural awareness for youth and adults in Tampa Bay. Of the twenty-three organizations that applied, fourteen received grants at a reception held April 1 at the interim site of the Tampa Museum of Art.
Melinda Chavez, Executive Director of the Tampa Bay Business Committee for the Arts, is very happy about receiving a Phoenix grant. Chavez says the grant will be used to fund three scholarships within an existing program that makes annual awards to outstanding high-school students in the performing, visual and literary arts categories.
A Phoenix grant will help seventh and eighth grade Academy Prep Center students illustrate environmental and sustainable living lessons from the Earth Charter with the help of University of Tampa faculty on Earth Day, 2010. Jan Roberts, founder and President of Earth Charter U.S., says that students will demonstrate Earth Charter ideas through storytelling, mural painting, sculptures, photography, dance and the spoken word on both campuses.
Fran Powers, founder of Powerstories Theatre and grant recipient says the money will be used to fund the newest program, Girlstories Theatre Project (GTP). GTP is a ten month program for 25 middle-school girls that kicks off with a six-week summer intensive in June. Girls meet from 9 am to 5 pm five days a week, to study theatre, music, dance, improvisation, art, technical theatre and how to tell a personal story. Young girls are selected mostly on their desire to become a leader in the community rather than performance ability.
“In these challenging economic times, it is a thrill for the Board to donate funds to expand children’s arts programming, supporting our core mission.” said RCFTA director, grants committee chair and City Councilwoman Linda Saul-Sena.
Other grant winners include Plant City Children’s Theatre, Bits n’ Pieces Puppet Theatre, Glazer Children’s Museum, Stageworks, Tampa Museum of Art , Friends of the Carrollwood Cultural Center, Plant High School Academic Foundation, Southshore Arts Council, Center Place Fine Arts and Civic Association and Walton Academy for the Performing Arts.
The Renaissance Center for the Arts began in 1999 with renovation on what once was the First Congregational Church in Tampa Heights. Although many successful events and programs took place at the Center, funding challenges ultimately kept the RCFTA from fulfilling its mission. The Board of Directors of the RCFTA is pleased that it could grant the remaining assets of the organization to deserving arts related organizations throughout greater Tampa and further support cultural arts in the community.
RCFTA president, Mark Segel added, “Although it’s very disappointing to the entire board that the Renaissance Center could not continue as we envisioned it, we’re very pleased that through these grants we can leave a lasting legacy throughout the arts community of greater Tampa.”
As the dismal economic storm continues, we’re finding reasons to be happy at the start of this spring. Last weekend we had a family
wedding to attend in Chicago. During the long weekend Mark and I celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary at the Back Room jazz club, saw the new Munch exhibit
at the Art Institute and attended the new Monsters vs Aliens 3-D movie at Navy Pier.
It was a fun, happy weekend for all - including Fluffy who stayed behind in Tampa.
Fluffy, Phoebe, Lindsey Leib smiling, a 5-star weekend with the Fine family
Our first lettuce harvest this week came with a near-death experience for one of my favorite critters. During the usual rinsing and spinning I didn’t notice any bugs
or assorted creatures that might be playing around in a home garden. So after chilling the bowl of lettuce for a few hours, I prepared
a dinner salad for Mark before settling in for the evening reading time with Mitzvahboy. When Mark returned later in the evening
and sat down to enjoy his first home grown organic salad he noticed the lettuce moving. Expecting a caterpillar, he moved a leaf to
discover a baby green tree frog.
As the jobs loss number came crashing in this week, Creative Loafing and staff learned that the company would remain
under Eason’s control during the reorganization.
Although the economy may not be in freefall as it has been for the last 4 months, I’m not placing any bets yet on where we are in the cycle.
As I listen and read, many commentators seem to be hopeful that the positive gains in the stock market this week indicate we’ve reached bottom; I don’t think so. Until the banking situation gets corrected my guess is there is more pain to come and more shoes to drop.
As I write this Mark is in New York for the day attending a reading of his holocaust play “A River in the Desert.”
It’s an opportunity to show the play to producers and the chance to hear it performed by Broadway
actor Fyvush Finkel. It’s a happy day;
we’re celebrating and counting our blessings.
PBS first aired a report about
California high school students whose families are in crisis last week and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about them.
The video they produced is a compliation of their individual stories. They talk very personally about the struggles
they and their families are going through. Some are facing eviction and/or don’t have enough to eat. All are having trouble
figuring out how they can manage or justify a college education; torn by the desire pursue their dreams.
What they are going through is sad, yet their stories are becoming more and more familiar. The video titled,
“Is Anybody Listening?” should be required
viewing at the beginning of each congressional session where the economy/Wall Street is the subject.
When Obama conducted a town hall last week in California, he paid a visit to the school to talk with the students
and dispel their fears about not being heard. The PBS report concludes with Village Academy students talking about
how they are working together on solutions by sharing information on local food banks and reaching out to other
students who are struggling.
I admire their resourcefulness, courage and sense of community. Those students who don’t give into despair will gain
invaluable life skills. If only they didn’t have to acquire these skills at such a tender age.
I found a cheaper hand lotion this week thanks to my new online friends at momslikeme.com. If I join a buying club I can save 50 cents per half gallon on organic milk, $4 on the 48 popsicle pack and $5 on a 100 piece dinosaur shaped chicken nugget package. So maybe it takes us 6 months to regain the $44 membership fee. But where will we put all these popsicles and dinosaur nuggets? In the new freezer! Ok, my neighbor tells me I can get the best deal on a freezer at Buddy Bi-Rites for about $100. So now I’ve got to wonder how long will it take to recoup the $144 investment? Hmmmmm, does anyone know how long this storm will last?
From everything I’m reading, we’re in the midst of the mother of storms that will alter forever our way of life. In this morning’s NYT’s Thomas Friedman quotes Paul Gilding, the Austrailian enviromental business expert who says, “When we look back, 2008 will be a momentous year in human history. Our children and grandchildren will ask us, ‘What was it like? What were you doing when it started to fall apart?’”
MitzvhBoy might remember of this time that his family planted a hydroponic garden, that he spent time with his mommy and daddy playing board games and kayaking; and that he learned that the toys his neighbor friend receives with no effort comes to him from his own earnings. He’ll have memories of earning money by helping his mom at Tampa Bay Parenting events. From this time in his young life, I would like him to learn about courage and fearlessness and resourcefulness. Setting that example for him is what keeps me clear-eyed and calm in this nightmarish storm.
Since fall of 2008 I’ve been working as a Parent Liaison for Hillsborough County Schools. I was reminded recently in a meeting involving parents and school staff how important it use our emotional intelligence to create positive interpersonal relationships. Plenty of research about the way children learn supports the idea that social emotional skills facilitate learning. Teachers who attend to the emotional context of their students are more likely to be effective with a wide variety of kids – not just the “good” ones.
Being effective in working with people in any professional role has as much to do with subject matter proficiency as it does in something author Daniel Goleman calls “emotional intelligence”. In his book of the same name, he expands the traditional definition of intelligence based on narrowly defined IQ tests to include a new category marked by traits such as self-awareness, impulse control, persistence, self-motivation, empathy and social deftness.
Although much has happened in the fields of neurology and brain research since the book was published, its core insights remain relevant for anyone working with people. For anyone who cares about honing social emotional skills, I think you’ll find this book a valuable resource.
Our Valentine date this year was to go see The Wrestler. Although we both wanted to see it, at times during the bleak, demanding film I wondered if we’d made a good choice. I really doubted the decision during the bloody close-ups of Rourke’s back in the scene where the medical assistant removes the staples from the evenings performance. Next Valentine’s day I bet we choose something pleasantly vapid like He’s Just Not That Into You.
But now we’re in the position to really appreciate it if Rourke wins for best actor tomorrow night. In his interview last week with Charlie Rose he talks about how his issues with authority and the resulting irresponsible, reckless behavior left him shut out of opportunities to act for the last 14 years. Rourke says his performance in the Wrestler is possible because of his willingness to revisit personal and professional failures. But unlike his character Randy the Ram, Rourke believes his work over the last 10 years with a therapist will provide him with tools and information to handle himself differently in the future.
scene from the Wrestler - Randy the Ram talks with his daughter
In the eighties I admired his work in Diner, Body Heat, 9 1/2 Weeks, Barfly, and particularly in Rumble Fish. I identified with the way he lived with an intransigent middle finger always stuck up in someone’s face. As he faded from cinema in the nineties I lost track and interest in what he was up to. I was busy enough finding ways to recalibrate my own defiant ways.
Mickey Rourke as Motorcycle Boy in Rumble Fish
He’s an exceptionally gifted actor and gives a great performance in the Wrestler. Like his character, Randy the Ram, Rourke’s professional future may hold the most promise. And if he manages to achieve his professional goals, he might be able to do something his character Motorcycle Boy wasn’t able to do - lead us somewhere meaningful.
Rourke on Letterman, Dec. 2008 - rough around the edges
We amused ourselves on the drive back by thinking of all the places we would prefer not to visit. In no particular order they are: Belgium, Turkey, Jordan, Haiti, Mexico, Congo, Sudan, Russia, Iran, Austria, the North Pole, underwater caves, Uganda, Uranus, Rwanda, Poland, Lebanon, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Alabama, Kansas, Nebraska, Dominican Republic, North Korea. We also have no plans to bungee jump or to hike the entire Appalachian Trail.
