Elizabeth A. Leib

by Elizabeth A. Leib

A new school year has begun – for our family it is the first week of kindergarten. It’s time to cut our summer pattern of long comfortable evenings short in favor of an early bedtime so that we can get out the door, dressed and fed, on the playground before the 8 am school bell. How quickly we became accustomed to the playful looseness of summertime.

As tired and relieved as we were at the close of school last year, it is impossible for me not to be excited about Jeremy starting kindergarten. As for Jeremy, he reserves judgment until after he takes a look at the situation for himself. In the weeks leading to the start of school, he showed some positive anticipation about the idea of kindergarten. But you never got the feeling he entirely believed his mother’s press reports. At the school orientation he was pleased to discover that Mia McKinnon would be his desk mate. And running around at the Back to School Bash, impressing his friends by putting bugs in his hair, stopping to eat pizza whenever he felt like it, suited him just fine. His summer was fun filled with camps and new friends – requiring only minimum accommodation to demands for compliance.

But my guess is that on the first day, the requirements to comply came about every 10 minutes. And like last year, he is resisting, testing each of us in turn, starting with the new teacher (new to him and in her first year at the school). He clearly was not happy with what he learned about kindergarten at the end of his first day. One of the first things he said to me was, “This wasn’t fun” - although you wouldn’t guess that by the grin on his face and the nervous adults.

In a conversation with him later that night I explained that just as Mommy and Daddy have a job to do every day, school was his job and was not necessarily designed for his entertainment. He should consider it his job to go to school every day, obey the rules, listen to his teacher and do the very best he can do to learn his school lessons. He seemed to accept the idea. In the next few days he improved remarkably – too quickly it seemed to me given his stamina and track record. It turns out I was correct in my suspicion.

He was rewarded at the end of each school day with a variety of special treats. Although he had to sit out the date we’d arranged with special friend Rebecca, he enjoyed a visit to the pool where he played on his favorite water slide with friend Isaac and the next day to MOSI with another buddy Noah Ray. He seemed to go along fine mid-week, happily claiming his prizes at the end of the school day. However the week ended with a downturn.

Will we succeed? Will he validate us, his parents who have never raised a child, his new (really, really new) teacher, the school administrators? Can we, will we be fearless and brave and smart – and loving – towards a strong willed 43 pound 5-year-old boy who resists? I’m reminded of how uncomfortable all of us were in this testing phase last year when as a 32 pound 4-year-old he began his Transitional-Kindergarten class. Oh how much his dad and I worried and discussed and consulted with our friends and school staff. I’ve been on the phone this week with my friend of 25 years, Mark Smith, whose insights from a lifetime of work in the American education system and doctoral training in child development we find enormously helpful. If necessary, I’ll take Jeremy’s little hand firmly in mine and hop an airplane to Ohio to arrange a conversation for him with Dr. Smith.

Ultimately last year Jeremy exceeded all our hopes. He’s supremely confidant of our love, and is therefore willing to completely clear the deck of expectations. And Monday morning he’ll go back and make a decision about how he will conduct himself. To be his advocate, I have to fight hard the fear that we won’t succeed - that we won’t be capable enough to equip him to make his way in the world. I fear that his history and the history he’s inherited are forged by people who don’t go along, by untrainable, intractable libertarians, mavericks and contrarians. And I fear that somehow that history will intrude as we work to lay for him a foundation. My instinct tells me to firmly shake off the fears and focus with courage on the task at hand. I remind myself, this isn’t about whether I’m a successful parent or Ms. Heymann is a successful teacher or Ms. Wasser is a successful school administrator. It’s simply about making decisions that will benefit Jeremy. It’s going to be an interesting few months. Stay tuned.